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| 2008-12-31 15:51 |
| The brief orientation |
| Public |
| meta |
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Welcome!* Enjoy. ' Friend' or ' Unfriend' me as you will. I do some limited shares, but I still post quite a lot publicly, so feel free to add me as a 'friend' if you're interested. Comment to this entry if you'd like me to add you: if we have friends/interests in common, I may add you anyway even if I don't know you. * I'm sporadic about reading comments. While I appreciate support and sharing, debate and reflection immensely, my general habit is not to stay on top of LiveJournal comments promptly. For timely or personal remarks, use email. My address is visible to friends, on my user info page.
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Mishaps, one after another, and I'm dealing with two contracts colliding. Sleep deprivation, when taken to extremes, eventually loses its power to suppress my sense of humor. I just gotta laugh, and not worry and think about how screwed I am, or I'll never keep it together enough to pull through.
I need a teammate to finish 16 hours (two days) of work in Philadelphia. Fun for an outgoing person who tends to smile and likes to talk to strangers. This is giving out sweepstakes prizes. Need help Sunday and Monday (or Mon/Tue) in Philly. A fun job to do just to have the stories to tell. If you need to bus/train in, I can probably take you back home. The pay is good for what the job is. If ANYONE knows ANYONE in NJ/PA/MD/DE vicinity who could drop everything and work for one or two days, someone who can talk to strangers and who doesn't miss remembering a few details, who "likes talking to people" PLEASE get me in touch with them. I cannot finish this contract without a teammate. Perhaps you know of a responsible young (18+) person who has the summer off? Or someone with flexible employment or who needs employment? The only "down" sides to such a fun job is that you stand on your feet for two hours at a time and stroll around the premises of a corporate franchise and chat with folks and as you hand out prizes. It's on your feet, and half of the day, it's warm (even though mostly in the shade).
I also need a teammate to do this for a week straight arond the middle of august (possibly late August) and I can probably arrange for free housing if you're outside Philly.
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Share the spark. Share the 'Crimes!Over 100 ThoughtCrimes have been posted to this journal in the last three years. Have you enjoyed this project? Do you think others would enjoy seeing it? If so, spread the words! I do this project because I want to inspire and challenge people to open their minds and hearts to greater authenticity, freedom, self-confidence and laughter. I do it for them to be seen. Help me celebrate by helping to spread the words! Give your friends the gift of inspiration. Honor me with a larger audience for this project. Celebrate the milestones of 100 ThoughtCrime posts and a three-year anniversary of sharing this real-world project online, and (on an unrelated note) my birthday. Inside the LJ-cut is text you can copy and post directly to your journal: ( Share the 'Crimes! )
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Not dead, but trying to cram this much doing into this much living has plenty of unintended and regrettable consequences. When I'm not this busy, the recovery, reorientation and cleanup will draw it out a while further. There will likely be some thrashing visible before I resurface.
The notable specifics: - I met a couple in New England, and courtship is in progress. No, none of us had room for it, but yes, the connection is compelling enough that all three of us gave this beginning a green light and are trying to make it happen anyway despite the challenges we each face. Considering how my heart was shredded in Seattle several years ago, for anyone to think I'm their unicorn without me laughing in their face, this is a sea change. It would be more appropriate in this case to say that they are the elusive mythical ones; I would not have thought such people could exist.
- I'm getting ready for a conference, and I took on a lot of marvelous complexities that are labor- and processing-intense. Thankfully, I am getting good support and assistance, and in the end I think we'll all pull it off. The week before such a venture is a lot like bull-riding: no matter what rears up, just don't get thrown.
- There are sometimes negative consequences of being known to be flexible and willing to renegotiate as needed. My "day job" contracts keep doing squirrely flip-flops, and the background emails have been excessive in planning for this (one of the contracts would require me to locate temporary teammates on a daily basis). As I'm writing this paragraph, I just got another phone call with another new proposal to shuffle my work. Thankfully, the geography has been constant: MD/CT/NJ/NYC-LI/Philly/MA. I am looking forward to decompressing with
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) loitl and who_is_she.
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| 2008-05-12 16:42 |
| Thoughtcrime Mug Update |
| Public |
| thoughtcrime |
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Thanks to all who voted in the Thoughtcrime mug poll!
The winning phrase was Silliness is Sacred (Thoughtcrime #67). The runner-up was Fight The Hug Shortage. (Thoughtcrime #121). Not to worry, #121 will be published as a T-shirt later this year, and is better (uh...) suited to that more huggable fabric format. While I would have been amused to make a post announcing "Fight the MUG shortage," The silliness phrase lends itself to illustration.
Sarah F. (spiralunwinding), a talented artist with syncretic superpowers, is scheming with me to accomplish something special for illustrating "Silliness is Sacred" in mug form.
More details coming in July.
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| 2008-05-09 17:45 |
| RoadNotes: Ribbon graveyard |
| Public |
| social lunacy |
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What does it take to earn a place behind the cockpit of this van?
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It rained yet again soon after painting, before I could finish out the details.
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Just painted. There's rumors of a hailstorm just hours away. This means I'll likely either post a better picture of this one, or #138 may be coming before the weekend.
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I want to thank each of you that commented and emailed about the two posts I made reminiscing on a realationship I had many years ago when I lived in Fayetteville. It meant much to me! I regretted the need to make those posts friends-only, and I apologize to those of you who briefly saw the first post and didn't see the anticipated second post. They are both locked entries now.
Reasons why I make entries public that might seem "deeply personal":
(1) I've gotten occasional feedback that how I reflect on a connection or a relationship, past or present, is insightful to others about who THEY are and how THEY choose to relate,
(2) For those who know me personally, such stories can show a small facet of my history, who I am, who I was, how I see myself or how I once saw myself.
Reasons why I changed these specific two entries to friends-locked status: (1) Delicacy. It's highly unlikely, but possible that P. reads this journal and could have been upset or offended.
(2) Her privacy. I didn't (can't?) check with P. and know if she would consider something confidential which I thought innocent. Also highly unlikely, but someone who knows P. today might put two and two together and get details than P. wouldn't like shared. Fayetteville's small. I mentioned enough uncommon details that someone could narrow down likely folks.
(3) I had a purpose in writing which I didn't state that may have cast us both unfairly. Like other writings I have done on relating in the past, my narratives are about finding the lessons and don't necessarily focus on what each or everyone did well or poorly unless it is relevant to uncovering the lesson that was meaningful to me. In the story about P. I was looking at what I did poorly, not what she did poorly, or what either of us did well. It's a constructive sacrifice if you know and understand that I'm doing it, but I didn't announce it. Nor did I make it clear that it wasn't a new lesson I was discovering, but an old one which I was visiting. I know this, but someone who doesn't know me might assume I'm simply that kind of asshole. What I realized then versus now, that's hindsight, and few of us seem wiser from that perspective. My affection for P. and lingering appreciation as I visited Fayetteville led me to a storytelling, and despite that slant, I realize now that it was ill-advised to post the story as public. Thank you for your tolerance, and my apologies to those of you who were teased briefly with only part of the tale.I want to thank everyone who takes value from what I create, who honors me by being a witness. Thank you for caring that I share and for finding it meaningful in ways I couldn't have imagined. I am grateful.
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| 2008-02-27 11:25 |
| Travelogue: Finally headed south, a launching heart. |
| Public |
| dating, travelogue |
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Today I'm leaving Baltimore for a quick visit in D.C., then I'm off to Arkansas to cover a tiny contract. I'll be back in Dallas around the middle of next week. I'm not sure where I'll be staying yet, but I'll be all over Texas and Oklahoma on short weekly contracts in between all the paperwork, Mustang fun and other crazy projects.
I have much to think about and feel out. I've been zorbing in a kaleidoscope of questions, answers and possibilities when it comes to relating lately. I was talking about this with a friend from work, and he said, "You and I are too old to be wounded from heartbreak." He told me a story from his past, and added, "In hindsight, that time alone, that was just wasted time." (Yeah, looking back. . .yeah.) He urged me to go for it and appreciated me for my dedication to staying conscious. I need to keep it real in the direction of hope, and to not hesitate wrongly for false caution or move forward simply for opportunity. I am so impossibly lucky; I look back at how I was resolving toward giving up and had been framing myself for a gratitude for the love and romance and great sex I've known in the past years of my life, making peace with the unknown and making the past enough. It is strange and amazing to consider love and relationship again with such immeasurable enthusiasm.
Anything is possible.
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| 2008-02-24 13:23 |
| ThoughtCrime fundraiser schwag poll #1 (MUGS) |
| Public |
| thoughtcrime |
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Several folks have expressed an interest in T-shirts or Mugs of various ThoughtCrimes. Rest assured that I WILL be having T-shirts made of "Fight the Hug Shortage," but I'm also considering mugs of something. Filling out is not a commitment to buy, but I will be using it to assess community interest.
Poll #1143602 ThoughtCrime fundraiser Schwag poll #1 (MUGS)
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All MUGS of original ThoughtCrime phrases. Which would you like to have/give on a mug? Manufacturing prices vary based on quantity as well as style. Assuming you liked a/the phrase and its font/layout, what would you pay for a mug (prices to INCLUDE shipping)? Beyond wanting the mug, what would inspire you further to buy/give these? What would motivate you MOST to buy/give these?
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I went to the room inside where I have kept my passionate heart. I have not been there in some time, though I have walked by the door and leaned there in the darkness many a time. It felt strange to touch it again and hold it, but it has not suffered at all to have been separated from me. I have kept it safe, safe from who I was when I was not able to live with it and care for it. Angels have been in this room in my absence, all the pale things in this room are shockingly bright from the sunlight streaming in. There are motes in the air that dance a brownian ecstasy and the rug is warmest where the light falls.
This passionate heart is no nostalgic artifact; there are no bad memories that come off of the dust around its hibernation. It is the fairy dust of possibility and there is a complex intoxication to this reunion.
I am surprised as I hold it in my hands how strong it is, how firm. It was always large in my memory, but I do not remember it being this large. I am oddly pleased how well it fits with my body, how easily it connects all of me together. I did not realize how incomplete it has felt to trust without it.
The walls are lined with beautiful hardbound books, intense reds and browns and the occasional dusky muted jewel tones. There are comfortable chairs with pillows and cozy blankets here. There are books here in this room which I need to read, the way I once used to read, with pen in hand and mind engaged ferociously.
There is a vibration to this room, a vibration that I can feel in my body, clean and crisp and full of possibility, like an ecstatic kiss, like the place where sex and love touch and steeple with one another and point to infinity.
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I'm in Boston, staying here until I finish the insurance settlement (hopefully not lawsuit) paperwork. It's cold here, and my car is covered in snow. I'd like to take a break from paperwork and endless letter-writing and phone calls to paint something new on my car (full of ideas), but the weather would obscure new words so quickly, I suspect the paint would dry too quickly for it to endure, and then it would be subject to snow and salt. Normally, bad or fragile results'd be worth the wasted effort if it didn't mean standing out in bitter cold without a decent jacket to paint. So I'll wait, but I miss the project.
It's fun. Relaxing to paint and stimulating to have a conversation spark on the back window. It's the token thing that I'll hold as the last defense that I will not let joy, playfulness and inspiration toward goodness be sucked out of my life, no matter how busy I am with other commitments. It's the meta-commitment that means everything's still good, still okay, and I'm still getting a 'message' out. I've been doing it for years now and I expect to be doing it for longer than I already have.
Disappointing, but new words will have to wait until I'm further south. Maybe when I'm back in Baltimore.
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| 2008-01-26 14:38 |
| Mustang #0 - Project Intro |
| Public |
| mustang |
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A friend of mine has been patiently and generously housing my old '65 Mustang. That friend has delivered it to the spot where my dad and I will begin working on it when I'm back in Texas. My thoughts are in motion on the choices ahead. I'll be posting at least a bit here, partially to document the process and partially since a couple of friends have expressed some curiosity about the project.
( How's the patient? )
At 7 MPG, I have thoughts of it mostly as a parade car or special occasion chariot. Unfortunately, those purposes aren't plausible without a lot of work and a lot of money. Right now, our goal is just to get this pony running. It's been out to pasture for far too long.
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Heartache and heartbreak: These are not interchangeable words.
When I was in Florida, I had the chance to hang out with and visit with four different pairs of people who have polyamorous histories, relationships or inclinations. Great fun, all interesting people. Each person of these eight presented their own range of outgoing-ness, interactive-ness and available-ness. (Some values zero, some values maximal, all persons yummy.) Part of this was energizing and renewing, as I come into the thought of dating and being available in the year ahead, seeking meaningful or possibly primary relationship. At times I got to enjoy thoughts like "What would it be like to be dating these folks? What would it be like to be in a relationship with each and/or both of them?" Even if a certain person hadn't represented themselves as interested or available, it was absolutely delicious to consider what it would be like to really get to know, to become close with.
And yet, despite the fun of all that, there was a rough side. I also felt a devastating rekindling of painful memories from four years ago, the last time I seriously considered and fell head-over-heels for a poly pair that I had thoughts of being partner/family with, in the "have everything" sense. It still shocks me how much the unresolved issues from that situation can come up and slap me around all over again. Thank goodness that I can see the work I've been doing has pretty much repaired my "trust" and "worth opening up to" meters, for a while it had been clear that I was far more trusting and interested with people that I knew before four years ago. (Prior validation, or perhaps just the stability of having known over time.)
I don't think I could have appreciated the people in front of me if I hadn't come so far, but still there were unpleasant effects that came up. Instead of trust or doubt issues, what came up this time was the raw memory of how deep that pain ran, and the confusion, the limbo I lived in alone for too long, stubbornly refusing to recognize what wasn't happening, clinging to hopes and memories, watching 'soon' turn to 'eventually,' finally admitting it looked more like 'never.' The pain I remembered was, in short, the pain of offering up for grand adventures in love and simply being left unmet, unmatched, and unreceived.
In the last few years I've made more strides in learning better how to relate directly and authentically, and I've come to understand myself better, but nonetheless the stuff from four years ago has left me with some hard lines that few can permeate, even over time. There's been much for me to look at on this, and it's been a good healing process, yet I can see how the echoes that I felt last week when I was in Florida show me that I'm overdue and ready for some good reflections. Or maybe it's always like that, when you love that hard and that much and it falls apart in baffling ways, there will always be questions and regrets about what everyone involved could have or should have done. I'll be looking at what I can do to honor these memories without having them triggered so much. I think the thing I most regret and am most confounded by is how deeply that situation affected the courage of my heart. Sometimes I feel there are a chorus of angels sitting in wait for me to get that back again, that strength that belongs in me, that I was born to be. They know that there are beautiful people here for me to love with a special and spirited boldness, faith and gentleness. People that want me to love them like that.
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| 2008-01-11 06:36 |
| Travelogue: A quick rest, a quick tour of Florida, before a quick sprint to Boston. |
| Public |
| mustang, travelogue |
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I'm sitting on my grandmother's sunny Florida balcony, wishing I could stay here for a week or so and just write all the thoughts in my head. Thoughts about life and the intertwixt patchwork firings of my brain on abundance and survival, thoughts about health and longevity, thoughts about yearning, loneliness and togetherness, healing heartbreaks and the endless craving for the yes, the aha, the eureka! and the here-alive. . .thoughts about what I intend to create in 2008 as an exciting work/play adventure in what I love to do most.
I'm tired. I nearly skipped sleeping the last week or so of this (finished!) project. It is indeed possible, given enough sheer willful determination, to sleep only 2-3 hours a day in short interrupted doses, as long as you're willing to jitter up on copious caffeine supplement drinks. I wonder how much of the comedown from this effort is the sleep deprivation and how much is returning cold-turkey to my caffeine-free tendencies. Mostly I'm just exhausted, even after sleeping nearly three days straight.
I had wanted to visit with some long-distance friends along the way during this past adventure, but the project's foibles took over opportunities. An unplanned logistic crisis (leaving some important, un-shippable, un-flyable stuff in Boston) puts me on a path through New England before I can go to Dallas. I had hoped to make visits along THAT run, but time is so pressing that I'm not sure how it will work out. Plans are still pending; my stress level about compromising is pretty high. I'll be in Baltimore/D.C. for a bit more recovery time, and I'll be through Philadelphia too, and I won't be able to stay in Boston nearly as long as I'd hoped.
But enough whining. When I get back to Dallas, I'm gonna cuddle up with master_ann and kaninchenzero and hang out with my dad while we work together on fixing up my old mustang. Be forewarned: there might be an annoying series of detailed posts about fixing up a far-gone classic car posted here soon.
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In Florida. Something like Day 81 of this deathmarch. It'll be over soon. Oh, to lean in the shade of a tree and turn the pages of a fine epic. Long tub soaks and conversations, a glass of wine or a dish of ice cream savored.
I left some things in Boston. Looks like I'll be recovering from this adventure with a long road trip retracing my steps.
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I didn't photograph it when I painted this one, and it washed away in rain before it dried. It amused me more not to repaint it, since the phrase said, "you are free to rethink everything."
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UPDATE: THIS ORIGINAL PHRASE WILL SOON BE PUBLISHED AS A T-SHIRT. . .later in 2008! Announcements will be made in this journal.
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